SpongeBob: The Autobiography
by natashya27
Summary: You guys loved it so much, I guess I'll continue!
1. SpongeBob's life story

Hi! This is my first story!! Oh, what joy. It's a pointless Spongebob story, so read and review or ELSE...

Once upon a time Spongebob and Patrick became cops and caught their first maniac. It, of course, was Mr. Krabs.

Then Spongebob went to Sandy's house. He was going to tell Sandy that he liked her, but threw up on her head instead. After many long hours of having phone books smashed on his head, Spongebob walked to the Krusty Krab and then he boogied his tail off until dawn. Then Patrick walked in and they boogied until dawn.

The next day Patrick got sick. So he went to the hospital. When he came back he was still sick. So Dr. Sponge put Patrick to sleep.

Spongebob walked past Squidward's house and heard him play his clarinet. Spongebob pulled out a missal launcher and blew Squidward up. Then Spongebob ate himself.

Patrick woke up 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 years later right in the middle of an anti-Patrick lover meeting. Then they sacrificed him to the exorcist.

THE END


	2. How to order Krabby Paties Part 1

**35 Ways to Make Ordering Krabby Patties Funny!**

**WARNING**

**Do not phone up Principal Mr. Krabs complaining that you got slugs and snails as a topping on krabby patties because of this, and the gang assures you at 100 percent that these pranks will work wonderfully if done correctly.**

1. Burp out your order

2. When Squidward repeats your order say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

3. Terminate the call with "Remember, we never had this conversation."

4. When they ask for your phone numbers give them theirs and see if they notice.

5. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

6. Stutter on the first letter of every word you say.

7. Stutter on the letter "P"

8. Change your accent every three seconds.

9. Ask if you get to keep the krabby patty box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

10. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and yell goodbye at the top of your lungs.

11. Ask what Squidward is wearing.

12. Say "Are you sure this is Krusty Krab? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

13. Imitate the order taker's voice.

14. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.  
Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

15. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

16. Ask to see a menu.

17. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

18. Order a tomato, or any ONE ingredient from a krabby patty, not a whole krabby patty.

Top of Form

Bottom of Form


	3. How to order Krabby Paties Part 2

Hi! This is the second part of my story, read it and DEAL WITH IT!! And, also don't forget to review!!

19. Ask if the krabby patty is organically grown.

20. Start the conversation with "My Call to Krusty Krab Take 1, and. . . action!"

21. Ask about krabby patty maintenance and repair.

22. Be vague in your order.

23. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

24. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

25. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

26. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

27. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

28. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

29. Order a one-inch krabby patty with 5 different toppings.

30. Order term life insurance.

31. Dance all around the word "krabby patty." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

32. Order a steamed krabby patty.

33. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

**Have Fun!**


	4. Exam Failing Part 1

Hi! This is another really funny story (I hope)... Well, it's not actually a story; it's just tips on how to fail your exam. Go ahead, read it... But if I were you, I'd just read it and not actually do it...

If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your boating exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here's what Squidward did when he decided not to drive and pursue his job as a clarinetist. This are the ways he failed, and he thought that you might like it. So are you ready to fail? GOOD! Here's how.

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

Bring cheerleaders.

Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Bring pets.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, and throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Come into the exam wearing a pair of Birkenstocks, and nothing else.

Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.


	5. Exam Failing Part 2

Hi! This is the second part of Squidward's tips. Thanks for the reviews...

Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out  
interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc...).

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring something up" sounds.).

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, and say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives are on!!!"

Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.


	6. Exam Failing Part 3

Third and final part of Squidward's tips. R&R people! Thank you!!!!!

Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

One word: Wrestle mania.

Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... Sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why My Professor Sucks".


	7. Annoyance Lessons Part 1

**Hi everyone!!! Thanks for the reviews... I freaking appreciated them! Next person to vote gets an invisible cookie... Thanks for adding me, and GOOD NIGHT!!**

**Here are some Spongebob annoys people big time...**

Sing the Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy theme incessantly.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bippity..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing it's your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your pet snail "Snail".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".


	8. Annoyance Lessons Part 2

Chapter two is in... Thanks for the reviews... I would like to thank my mommy for all she has not done, and the academy for this invisible award... I'M SO EMOTIONAL!!!!!

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Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Mrs. Puff voice.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.


	9. Toilet Fun

Hey thanks for all the reviews you've been giving me! Thanks for adding me too... Well, this one's about what to do when you're in the toilet... Oh, what joy?

**Things to do in the bathroom stall... WARNING!! These stunts are performed by professional idiots like Spongebob. Do no try this at home; try it in a bathroom stall.**

1. Stick your palms open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew (Or lemonade or any other drink that's yellow). Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread seanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy that sure looks like a plankton.. Better tell Mr. Krabs the good news!"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar (Or any other chocolate candy bar you can afford with the salary you get from that cheap Krabs.) with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."


	10. Pissed

Hello everybody! This is not a chapter... Sorry, but I wanted to tell a few things to you, fellow readers.

To all the reviewers who wrote good stuff about this story, here's a note for you!

Hil6912/Hil2378: Thanks for reviewing me on my every single chapter!

SbSandyshipper: Awww man I hate anonymous I like to read other people's stories.

Smart idiot: Thanks for giving me the idea of continuing!

Timmylover: Shouldn't you be somewhere with Timmy? Anyway thanks...

Camille Leon: And you added me too! Thanks!

Lightknight21: Thanks you for your review. Yeah, I liked the ketchup one too!

Hermionegal: I do not speak Hebrew and who the heck is Moomoo?

Pixie: I do not want to write sb/sandy coz I can't write lemon stories... But maybe someday I will...

I'll say it, this is not 100 my work. My buddy (whose name I will not mention) sent me a lot of stuff that I write. I just add some work to it and... TAADAA! So if this offends you, leave now.

All the freaking dudes who read my story and don't like it please DO NOT review. My life is as bad as it can be and I come online to RELAX. And when I see things I don't like, you're dead. I don't know what's wrong with me but I get pissed easily and I have horrible mood swings. Maybe I'm depressed or something. Who knows?

All in all, I love my story and there's nothing you little twerps can do about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm just really pissed today with all there negative reviews I got. Buh-bye now.


	11. Goodbye Mom

**Yo, wazzup readers?? Finally wrote a new chapter... Took me a while to get over my mood... (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read "Pissed") So just read this one and it may be offensive to some of you little dudes...**

NEWS HEADLINES: SpongeBob's mother has just passed away. Mr. Krabs is the most disappointed because this means that Spongebob will be taking a very long leave... These are some off the things that Mr. Krabs did at the funeral...

Told SpongeBob's dad that his wife's last wish was that she made love with you.

Told the undertaker that he couldn't close the coffin until he found his contact lens.

Punched the body and told people that it hit you first.

Told SpongeBob's dad that he was the deceased's gay lover.

Asked someone to take a snapshot of him shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetery, played taps on a kazoo.

Walked around telling people that he had seen the will and they're not in it.

Asked SpongeBob's dad to give him a kiss.

Drove behind SpongeBob's dad's limo and kept honking your horn.

Told the undertaker that his worm just died and asked if he could sneak it into the coffin.

Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

Put a whoopee cushion under SpongeBob's dad.

Left some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

Told SpongeBob's dad that he had to leave early and asked if the will could be read before the funeral was over.

Urged SpongeBob's dad to give the deceased's wooden leg (a/n: Now how did SpongeBob's mom get a wooden leg??) to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

Walked around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

Used the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

Asked SpongeBob's dad for money which the deceased owed him.

Took up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

Asked SpongeBob's dad if he could have the body to practice tattooing on.

Put Super Glue on the deceased's lips just before SpongeBob's dad's last kiss.

Showed up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

When SpongeBob's dad cried, Mr. Krabs blew a trumpet every time he wiped his nose.

When no-one's was looking, slipped plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Tossed a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and screamed "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretended to faint.

At the cemetery took bets on how long it would take the body to decompose.

Got Squidward to call him on his cell phone during the ceremony and pretended that he was talking to the deceased person.

Pushed SpongeBob's dad as he bent over to throw dirt on the coffin.

Circulated a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

Told everyone that he was from the IRS and that he was confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

Promised the minister a hundred dollars if he didn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Wrote "Best before last week" on the top of the coffin when nobody was looking.

Accidentally sneezed on the deceased, and literally wiped the smile off SpongeBob's mom's face.


End file.
